New Fast Food Festival to launch this May

EDIT: HAPPY APRIL FOOLS' DAY! Flying in the face of food festivals sweeping the country, comes a brand new addition to the scene. You won’t have to don your wellies or bring your wicker basket to enjoy this festival, as you won’t be anywhere near the great outdoors. Emphasis here is totally and completely on convenience and is hoping to appeal to pale-skinned Brits who would rather be indoors of a May afternoon that out parading in the park.

The launch will be held in a secret underground location and promises a 500ft service bar sporting 500 members of staff flipping food for 500 hours. Cheese burgers, plain burgers, chicken (ish) burgers and thousands of fries are all on the menu and not a celebrity chef in sight.

It’s a festival like no other. No lengthy queues for home-grown, home-cooked produce; this is a celebration of reconstituted meat and preserved potato fries and you are welcome to use elbows to get to front. Entertainment promises to be a riot. Mop artists roam free, keeping the kids enthralled while cleaning the floor at the same time.

There will be competitions galore: the battered chicken competition, square cheese throwing and gherkin hurling.

Plastic seating will be provided; please bring your own ketchup.